I've always wanted to be quietly brilliant; a subtle genius. I want to make things and have people say "wow" when they see it. I want to make an impact, to let people know that I'm here. And I want to be modest about it.

See, the real problem is, I've never been particularly brilliant. I'm not special, I can't make someone cry with a page of writing, I can't inspire someone with a drawing. Have you ever tried to create a character that the world can relate to? Not as easy as it seems. Have you ever tried to get a peice of writing to flow with a grace enviable of a swan? Not as easy as it seems. Have you ever tried not to boast about something you know to be one of the best works you've ever done? Not as easy as it seems.

So maybe I've accomplished a thing or two. Maybe I've made something I happen to like. What good is it if it's not appreciated? How is it appreciated if it isn't seen? How is it seen if it isn't shown? How is it shown without the shower seeming boastful? It's hard. Unknown brilliance quickly turns to loud, showy, concieted, I'm-so-much-better-than-you brilliance.

You see the problem? So much for the small importance I want.

...

If I told you, sweet child,
Of the lies you will come to know as true,
Would you leave?
Would you take your life and pack it into a bag,
Carry it across the sea,
And search for an answer?
Or would you stay with me,
Sweet child,
And drink it in like a babe at her mothers' breast?
Would you preach it,
Sing it like a siren,
With words on your lips and legs and hips?
And would you like it?
Or would you fight it,
Like a soldier, like a killer,
Like an angel?
Would you try to relieve the Earth of it's sins,
Take the world off of its shoulders,
Give it a happily ever after?
But I wouldn't help you,
My darling,
Because what is this life to me?
Merely a lie I've come to know as true.

So hey...

Don't tell anyone, but I suck at life. XD

Okay, so y'know Jonathan, right? (Hah, who am I kidding? Who DOESN'T know about him?) Yeah, he's really amazing. He's super nice and tall and cute and increadibly cuddly. And he understands that most girls aren't sluts, and they don't want to be taken that way.
But I've never really been in love or anything like that. I don't love him. Or not yet at least. I'm sure I'll know once I'm totally certain. But for now, I'm just taking it as it comes. I'm having a lot of fun, and I really like Jonathan. I'm pretty much know for sure that I'll totally fall for him soon enough, but would it be leading him on? I mean, it's not like I'm planning to break up with him in a couple weeks because I've had my fill of him or something stupid. But would it be fair to him? Am I just being selfish? Or is it ok?
I'm confuuuused. >.<